I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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