probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
