I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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