i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
