I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
