why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
