I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Randomize
