i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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