Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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