sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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