i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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