@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
