you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
