They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
