the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Randomize
