I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
