I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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