I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
This house was built for laser tag.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
