I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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