i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
