The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I have grass duct taped all over my body
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
