im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
