Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
