I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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