Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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