Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I don't deserve a penis
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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