So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
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It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
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Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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