Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
