literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
