we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
