Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
