God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
