i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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