It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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