We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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