Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
