I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
