a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
