Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
