see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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