You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
this hospital has no fireball
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
