why im i the only drunk person in the library?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
