my phone needs a breathalizer
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
