The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
