actually, I'm a sock model
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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