I just saw a hot homeless man
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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