dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
