the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He better not be in your backpack
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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