We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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