Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Randomize
