nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
