Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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