At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
