Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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