My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
