Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
