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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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