I just threw up on my dentist
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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