I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I'm having to shit out rocks
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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