masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
