I puked a lego.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
