My sheets look like a crime scene.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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