The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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