just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
