I hope mine doesn't look like that
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
