Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
