I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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