Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
