I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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