i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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