Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
